"you do not need a smaller crown..."

I saw this today on a great page called Warrior Goddess Training, which is a book I highly highly recommend and even though it is something I have seen before, today its truth was like a punch in the stomach… but in the most loving way.

-Michael Reid

I am very struck by the fact that this quote can be attributed to a man. It would be very easy to read something like this and assume it was something written by a chick to make other chicks feel better for a string of failed relationships. 

I have come away from many of my past loves and lovers wondering what it was about me that made the men I was with feel ‘less than’. What was wrong with me? Or what was I doing wrong? I have heard time and again “You have to be patient with me.” and “I worry that I’m not good enough for you…that I will always disappoint you…” etc etc. I love and celebrate men. I am not an emasculator. I believe in standing next to them and building them up. I believe in helping them to feel respected and appreciated. I honestly believe if you polled the men with which I have had a relationship, I think they would all tell you that I made them feel special and loved. Many of them read this blog actually, so please – feel free to comment and correct me if I’m wrong. Seriously. I am partly writing this so I may be corrected and/or educated. 

I am not someone who cycles through guys every three months… not to say that there haven’t been a few of those too. Mostly however, my relationships have been long term. I have put in the time and work, which requires patience. I have also put in the work on myself, so I can recognize where other people are on their journey and aim to work with them exactly where they are. I am certainly not saying I’ve never been frustrated with a partner. Of course I have. But I absolutely don’t cut and run at the first sign of troubled waters. 

I have not expected the men in my life to give me THINGS. I am able to accept help or a gift of a dinner or weekend getaway. But at the end of the day, it is extremely important to me that I can pay my own way. If I want to go somewhere or do something, then as long as I am feasibly able – I do it. I don’t demand or even ask a man to give it to me. Again, this argument of fear of disappointment or not being able to give me the things I want confuses me. I never asked in the first place. With me, it’s the small things. If you have heard of or read The Five Love Languages, then this will make sense…Quality Time (& Conversation) is my #1 Love Language. SEE me… HEAR me... be PRESENT with me…TALK to me. Sit with me as I download my feelings and process them. Sometimes I will need you to hold my hand if and when I fall down the rabbit hole so I have a lifeline to work my way back. Because I always work my way back to center. Yes - I am extreme, I am fiery, I am intense, I am flawed… but I ALWAYS come back to center. I don’t expect extravagant gifts or lifestyles. Some of the best gifts I have ever received from lovers have been so small and simple; a heart rock… a cow skull (because of my obsession with bones)….paintbrushes, a stack of pears on the kitchen counter with a love note, pictures of their day letting me know I’m in their thoughts. Simple. 

I want to be loved for everything about me …especially for my fire and my intensity. I don’t want to have to be small. I don’t want someone to love the idea of me… then punish me for falling off a throne they put me on in the first place. I am hyper-aware of my broken bits; I will happily explain them to you and dissect them for you. I will always hold my hands up when I’m wrong or have gone too far off the ledge. I feel things very deeply… much deeper than most truly realize. This and the amount of time I spend in my own head contribute to my intensity. This is my ‘too much’ … too much emotion, too much fire, too much talking, too much heavy silence, too much analyzing….. I don’t want to feel wrong for my flawesome-ness. It’s what makes my crown sparkle. 

I sincerely apologize and ask to make amends to any man I’ve known to whom I actively did or said something to make you feel less than or that you couldn’t go at your own pace.  

Going forward though, I am done with removing my jewels…or downsizing my crown…I’m also done with expecting or hoping for anyone other than myself to carry it. Because actually, it shouldn’t be carried anyway. Our crowns should be WORN. With pride. 

When I was 28 -29 while in Santa Fe with my mom, I made a dream come true for myself. I bought myself a wedding ring for my right hand. When I was a teenager, there was an ad campaign empowering women to be their own partner and gift themselves with a right hand wedding ring. (I forget which jewelry company.) I LOVED the idea. I cut the ads out from several magazines to put on my latest vision board. When I bought it, I was at the beginning of a relationship that I knew was a slippery slope. It was like I was intuitively and subconsciously giving myself a touchstone… a lovely reminder of the woman I am and wanted to be once I’d returned from the dark side. 

What few possessions I have kept over the years that have been in storage in England for the last year and a half arrived last week…Christmas Eve morning actually. And among said things was my jewelry box… with my ring… once again, the lovely reminder of the woman I am and want to be ... of the relationship and partnership with mySELF… the only one that truly matters. 

So my dear women, my fellow warrior goddesses… let us continue to love and bolster and stand next to our great warrior men… but not in sacrifice of ourselves…not in sacrifice of our ‘too much’. If we do not fear our own power, the right person or people (lovers and friends) will not fear it either. They will embrace it. 

"Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn, 

then always be a unicorn."

 (...by the way, you are ALREADY a unicorn)