That Year You Didn't Know Whether To Scratch Your Watch or Wind Your Butt
(Title is from a line in the movie Steel Magnolias)
About four years ago, I created my first dance/theater piece(s) called A
Conversation of Chairs. It consisted of three sections, one of which was titled
The Choice. We filmed this piece for the show we were taking on the road and it
opens with the quote, “One of the hardest
decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try
harder.” I remembered this quote as I recently made the choice to
walk away from something… something in which I had previously always chosen the
‘try harder’ path. This sentiment echoes perfectly the tone of my last
couple years. And each and every time, door number two was the right choice.
Trying harder is always the right choice … until it simply is not … until that
moment when your heart simply refuses to be silenced by your mind any longer.
But here is the bitch of it; even in that moment, trying harder is still not
the wrong choice (because
life is not black and white) but it sure as shit isn’t the right one
either. Eventually, ignoring the truth does more damage. Wanting something to
be right and something actually being right are light years apart.
This
has been a marathon year. It was single-track, blinders on and laser beam
focus. Almost every major decision I made this year was in service to that race.
It was a pretty rude and ironic awakening when I finally crossed that finish
line and stopped running (more like collapsed
in a heap) that I realized I didn’t want the medal. I didn’t want to be a
runner anymore. And actually I was never truly a runner to begin with. With the
blinders off and the crash of adrenaline, my head no longer had the energy to
silence my heart. And maaaan, it would NOT shut up. There was no escaping ‘it’.
THE TRUTH. *Dun, dun, duuuun. (Obviously, this is a
long drawn out metaphor for something else – but this is where my mind is
taking me and the literal resemblance is spot on, so deal.)
I’ve
said I, but actually it was and is a WE. We not only accomplished our goal, we
took first fucking place. But after all the trying harder and wanting it to be
something else, it was not right anymore. We chose to celebrate that success
and all our efforts with our characteristic fist bump explosion and by riding
off (because now we’re on bikes.
Seriously that marathon was INTENSE…like IronMan) into the sunset …on
different paths.
My
father made a very poignant analogy about the energetic power or lack thereof
in certain relationships. He said that the two individuals are like spheres of
energy, constantly moving/rotating. When the union is right, these spheres come
together and their points of connection (like quick kisses) continue to power
them around their individual orbits. They do not meld into one unidentifiable
mass. They do not knock one another off their trajectory. They do not create a
black hole. This connectivity should create sparks generating a greater orbit
thus encircling them both. It was the hippiest pep talk my dad has ever given
me, I think he even kind of second guessed himself as he was explaining it, but
it was and is perfect.
To
continue on this fun string of metaphors and also to loop us back around to
nuggets of wisdom from my performance past, 2016 resurrected my role as Alice
in Wonderland. It has absolutely been an unexpected mad tea party of riddles
and ‘What the fuck?!’s. (Hello?! The fucking election and President Elect... I can't even.) I still catch myself looking around with raised eyebrow
and a crazy eye saying, ‘Huh?! Whaaa happened?’ But at this point I’m sittin’
and chillin’ and drinking the Wonderland Kool-Aid, because you know – why the
hell not? The New Year is wide open, and for the first time in awhile I can
figure out how I want that to look … just for me. Despite 2016’s challenges and
unexpected-ness, it has also gifted me with a lot. I’m excited to see what 2017
has in store and how I can co-create with that.
Alice in Wonderland; 2008 (ish)
Miles Playhouse; Santa Monica, CA
I
hope your year end review has afforded you with as much clarity, relief, and
gratitude as mine has. Happy Solstice my loves and Happy New Year!
"Always be yourself,
unless you can be a unicorn, then ALWAYS be a unicorn."
XOXOX
Well said. I will take a big 'ol glass of that Wonderland Kool-Aid if you are pouring....
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