Be Honest With Yourself

For Solstice / Christmas / New Year’s I bought myself a journal of writing prompts. I was looking to inspire my own personal journaling sessions as well as posts for this blog. The one ‘Have You Ever Lied to Yourself? If so, When and Why?’ jumped out at me because my first thought was “Well, I’ve sure as hell tried.” My second thought was, “Who hasn’t?”  

Lying to myself (and I suppose, inadvertently to others) was never malicious; it was self-preservation some of the time.  There were times I got caught up in a story that I wanted to be right and true. It was my reality, but not my truth. There is a big distinction. I kept up with the script I was writing in the process because I was not ready to admit ‘it’ to myself… let alone to anyone else. And like I said, I tried. I never fully succeeded. Deep down I knew differently. In still, quiet and completely unsuspecting moments I would hear my own voice give it to me straight. So I’ve never allowed myself to get away with it for too long actually. I’m proud of that. For me that voice gets louder the longer I don’t listen to it and it becomes unbearable to ignore.

Yes, the truth can, will, and does set you free. Sometimes it is so beautiful you feel like your heart might burst with joy and gratitude. It can also be very uncomfortable, and by uncomfortable I mean skin turned inside out raw, exposed and physically painful. It was hard to realize I was repeating a lesson I should have already learned… sometimes not just once, but a couple of times. I felt shame in those moments. I felt embarrassed because I, of course, should have known better.  I hold myself to a very high standard in terms of the intimacy with my own psychology. I do not like looking foolish, like a failure, or weak in any incarnation. I struggle with my human-ness because I work so damn hard to rise above UNconsciousness. It was equally hard to realize my truth did not fit in with expectations because I was terrified to disappoint. Because in disappointing, somehow that meant I was not enough. My parents never had to ground me. A) because I never did anything to warrant it mostly because  2) because the words “I’m not mad at you … I’m disappointed in you” was enough to send me off the rails and into self-flagellation and good behavior f.o.r.e.v.e.r.  And I’m fairly certain I only heard that sentence twice from either of them my whole life.

I also think that ‘lying’ is a bit too dramatic in other cases. We don’t know what we don’t know. And there were plenty of times, I didn’t know what my truth was. I was floundering and figuring it out as I went. I didn’t exactly know what I wanted…. until I did. Until the vision materialized right in front of me. At which point, I made a different choice. I am grateful for my keen self-awareness. I find it heartbreaking when people believe a story they’ve told themselves for so long … for so long that they lost sight of their truth or never even took the time to seek it out.

I’m speaking in the past tense. Not because I won’t continue to be human and find myself in moments where my truth needs re-calibrating, but because I trust these past experiences to keep me on course more steadily. I trust them to give me more foresight. (link is to a recently published poem about this very thing.)

My second thought to this question made me curious about how other people would answer… Have YOU lied to yourself? Are you lying to yourself now about anything? Are your reasons similar to mine? Are you attached to a story/stories that really don’t serve you at all? Do you find it easier to lie to other people or to yourself?

Food for thought…. Om Nom Nom ;-)