The World According to Aunt Courtney (Part 1)

    My niece recently turned sixteen. Many moons ago and prior to her birth, my sister asked me to write something - some bit of advice for a time capsule she wanted to create. I was not going to be able to be there for her birth as I was for my nephew. I was 20 at the time, almost exactly six months before I turned 21. I wrote out 10 bullet-points of fortune cookie-esque wisdom that I'd discovered on my journey thus far.
    I have been living with my sister, brother-in-law and  my niece and nephew for the past year. I have gotten to know each and every one of them on a much more intimate level, more so than I ever would have otherwise. This was without a doubt the greatest gift of 2016! (an otherwise shit-astic year.) As this big milestone was approaching for Kathryn, and as I have gotten to know her psychological tendencies (and their similarities to my own at her age) I wanted to revisit these pearls of wisdom, beef them up with some first hand war stories as well as add a few more.
     I hope it is an essay and love letter that she continues to read over the course of her life because there is ALOT that will not apply to her for awhile, but if I can plant those seeds early then call me Farmer Court.
     And because I can't seem to get enough of sharing personal stuff, (gimme a break, this is like free therapy for me) I thought I would post a series of all 16 points over the next few weeks. Lucky you ;-) 

The World According to Courtney

(Aunt Courty’s Advice 2.0)

Be comfortable being alone.  I believe one of the many ways you and I are kindred is our natural inclination towards introversion, that time just to ourselves to reflect and recharge. Our superpower in this capacity is knowing how and when to ‘turn it on’ in times that extraversion is called for; so much so that many people might actually think us extroverted. (Silly rabbits).

But it is easy to be alone in your room for an hour or two. It is arguably far more important to know how to be alone out in the world… in a restaurant, at the movies, at a concert, in a foreign country… and not feel self-conscious about it. This is a superpower that is hugely beneficial to cultivate. There may be times in your life when you are more or less completely alone. Maybe you’ll be far from home, in a new city, haven’t found your niche yet, are single, or all of the above.  I’ve been there and done all that… a few times.  It can be hard, but it is also wonderful. There is so much freedom in it when you choose the right perspective. You will miss out on sooooo much if you are unable to go out and do things on your own.  Because THAT is how you find your niche and your tribe. New friends, opportunities, and / or relationships generally do not come knocking at your door without a little effort on your part.

     Story time … While you would not remember him, you met my first truly serious relationship when you were teeeenny tiny. Enter Andrew. He and I were together from the time I was 17 (he was 19) until I was 25. We lived together for three of those eight years when I first moved to California. I wish for you at least once in your life a healthy, loving, mature and hilarious relationship like ours (aka Bub Love).  The longevity was somewhat doomed though because we were just too young. We had grown up into adulthood together and needed to walk our own paths. After we broke up, discovering new music and following bands in Los Angeles became my therapy. This was the time of MySpace if you even know what that is or was. Instead of B.C ...before Christ … MySpace was B.F… before Facebook (at least before it opened up to users other than students.) I was tracking bands I’d discovered as far away as Australia. I even have a song dedicated to me on the live album of a band called The Exploders. I was going to shows two, three, sometimes four nights a week. BY. MYSELF. It was awesome! No one gave me weird or pitying looks. I got a lot of compliments, actually, for rollin’ solo and met a ton of cool people!  

     Eventually though L.A was starting to beat me down a bit (as it has a tendency to do, it buoys you up and beats you down in waves – it’s infuriating and magical). It was also getting harder to stay in the house Andrew and I shared. I simply needed to get the fuck outta Dodge.  Sooooo, I moved virtually sight unseen (ok, I’d spent a couple of days there) to Santa Barbara where I had no job and knew no one. My first night alone in my new place after unpacking, I cried. No, I wept…. hard. I had buyer’s and mover’s remorse big time and was feeling the weight of my impulsivity. I committed that night I would stay at least an entire year and make the absolute best of it. I attended events at UCSB, concerts downtown, tried new restaurants (again, BY. MYSELF), reached out to strangers on MySpace (Santa Barbara Steve is still one of my closest friends to this day), and took an aerial class in Santa Ynez that changed my life.

      On Santa Barbara’s Annual Dance Day I drove 30 minutes north, paid $1 to a woman I felt like I’d known forever (my friend Rina), strapped myself into some weird harnesses, got dizzy and almost threw up, and left with an invitation to join her dance company.  Being a part of Zion Dance Company pushed me so far outside of my normal boundaries that it dismantled and rebuilt me completely. It gifted with the opportunities to travel to and perform in Guatemala, Holland, Germany, Scotland and England.  It was a hard but good year overall because I embraced my solitude and also persistently kept putting myself out there. It gave me exactly what I needed, a reset button. I never would have found that if I hadn’t been willing to be my own date. I have since travelled the world by myself which has been unequivocally the greatest experience of my life to date.

Worship at your own temple (worship your goddess-ness)  This is such a huge part of the puzzle, especially for you my dear! I need you to hear me as you read these words… You. Are. A. Goddess.

I am a goddess. Your mother is a goddess. Women are magical and powerful creatures and we need to see and respect ourselves as such. Because I am here to tell you, if you can’t respect and honor yourself – no else will be able to either, at least not in the way you deserve.  And at the end of the day, all you truly have is yourself so you better make friends with her and treat her the way you would treat a best friend. You wouldn’t tell your best friend that she isn’t pretty enough…or thin enough … or smart enough… or talented enough …. or what-the-fuck-ever enough. You would tell her all the ways in which she is sparkly and incredible! Also, that bullshit idea of ‘enough’ is just that – utter BULLSHIT. You are enough! Period.
    Now that’s not to say that you shouldn’t work on yourself or try to better yourself as a way to evolve and simply become cooler than you already are… you should. BUT you don’t do those things because you’re operating from a place of lack… that place of not good enough …. or good enough once I’m ____ . You do it because you already see your immense value. When you reside and worship at this temple, you learn to validate yourself. You eventually stop looking to everyone else for approval or for guidance on how ‘it’ should look or be done.  You also stop punishing yourself and you begin to understand how to feed yourself (figuratively and literally).
       Many of my travels have been to countries with the loveliest spiritual traditions. They create altars and each day they make some small offering. Sometimes it’s as simple as lighting a candle and incense or laying out a small spray of flowers.  Sometimes it’s a tiny plate with a 1/16th of their most recent meal. Whether these gifts are to one god or many, they are symbols of gratitude and communication. You will learn what offerings to make to the symbolic altar of your goddess-ness. You find those things that light you up from the inside, the things that make you feel invincible, beautiful, empowered and proud. You start listening to and hearing your body tell you what it needs in terms of expression, retreat, sustenance, exercise and rest. You become a team and it then magically does what you want it to. No lie.
     Don’t let any person (man or woman) lead you away from that temple, that altar. It is a beautiful exchange to pay homage to someone else’s temple and worship their divinity too, but it should not be a practice that replaces your own.  I will admit that as women this can be a tough one. It’s a lifelong endeavor, but it does get easier.

Stay tuned for the next installment in this series... and in the meantime remember

"Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn then ALWAYS be a unicorn."

XOXOXO