36 Special

     As my birthday month draws to a close I thought I would share the clichéd year in review-self reflective post because ...it's still my birthday month and I'll reflect if I want to. Also, I realized that I really have not been writing much or posting since I've been in Savannah. I guess because my time here has been a period of hibernation.  During my first month here I was attending networking events, art walks and such, quite excited about Savannah's potential and my place here....and then I stopped. I attribute this to many factors; a desire to maintain a svelte budget, the fact that there's only so much solo socializing my intrinsic introversion and learned extroversion can handle, and because I received 'the call' of detachment.


     To quickly recap what's been covered in previous posts: In the seven months since returning in the States, nothing had gone as planned, intended or hoped. I was certain as certain could be that I would only have to depend on my friend's generous offer of crashing with her for at most (at most!) three months. I was going to cast a wide net over my incredible community of connections, flex my newly acquired international work skill muscles, power pose like the superhero I am (WW if you couldn't guess), interview like a boss, find a great job and secure charming new digs (preferably back in my Culver City hood). While I power-posed and interviewed my ass off, at five months in my prospects were next to none. I was epically failing the blueprint Tom and I had set our sights on. The MIA status of job and digs had set us back an additional two months on being able to start his visa application. The complete non-existence of a 'Plan B' only added insult to injury. I had been naïve. I had been cocky. Uncomfortably vulnerable, I called my sister to ask if I could come stay with her and her family. Unbelievably humbled, I rolled into her driveway a week later.
I was tired, like soul weary. I was embarrassed. I was guilt-ridden. I was (and still am) indescribably grateful.


      My fatigue was not only a result of the unexpected homecoming but also of the emotional rollercoaster of my two years in England. Being soul tired can make you desperate. It made me desperate anyway -- desperate to glom onto some sense of solidity, security, clarity, belonging. I believe that was the fire in my belly that had me shouting from the rooftops that "Savannah is an artist's town and I am exactly where I need to be! This is going to be great!! Forever and ever amen!" 
With a room of my own, a steady job, and Tom's application under way I was able to rest a little more. With that rest came 'the call'. The call that said, Yes - Savannah is a town of great culture, art, and history that you can appreciate. Yes - Savannah is exactly where you need to be to accomplish the goal set forth. That is all. You don't need to know any more than that right now. Detach, detach, detach.
      I still slip into downward spirals of feeling lost in limbo and the corresponding desperate need to glom. Sometimes the angst of missing my man, my cat, our life, my community, a home of my own, a sense of personal purpose is so palpable it makes my heart race and stomach ache. While I am grateful for my job I do not like it, to put it as baby shampoo mildly as possible. It also does not afford me the ability to move out. About three months ago, that strong dislike and sense of shame sent me spinning and asking the stereotypical midlife crisis questions. "What am I doing with my life? How did I get here? Where am I going? Where do I even want to go?" 
I manically went in search of answers. I've polled friends and family. I've seriously considered going back to school to finish a bachelor's.....


      You know what? Who cares? The details don't matter... I'm annoying myself with details of a story that will inevitably change. See? I'm getting good at this detaching thing.
My point IS, 35 kind of (completely) went off the rails of my plan. I was gifted with the challenge of detachment.... and that challenge was accepted. I would say I had no choice, but we always have a choice. And I chose to accept it to maintain my sanity.
Detachment does not mean I am not engaged. It does not mean I do not care. It is active. I am present, I am engaged, I am grateful while NOT being dig-my-heels-in-roped to the outcome(s) of my current situation.

• I am no longer attached to punishing myself (for not making good on my L.A. plan, for the fact that I can't move out of my sister's house, for the fact that I have yet to define my next career trajectory). Instead, I am grateful for a gorgeous room with an even more gorgeous view in which to hide out while I wade through this time of unknown variables.
• I am no longer attached to knowing when Tom is coming (that timetable got blown out of the water months ago!) Every day we are that much closer.
• I am no longer attached to where Tom and I are going to live - as in #LosAngelesOrBust 
• I am no longer attached to the fact that if I do go back to school I have to finish in X amount of time.
• I am no longer attached to my brunette hair - I LOVE my unicorn hair! Blue and purple looks fabulous on me.
• I am no longer attached to feeling like I have to have all the answers to every fucking question keeping me up at night RIGHT THIS SECOND. 

     The canvas of my 36th year is completely blank. All of it.
What am I fussing for?! What a sweet spot to be in. I really needed to type that ... really see it in order to really take it in as my own, my truth. Wow.


     The radio stations here leave much to be desired ( I miss KCRW somethin' fierce!) and you hear the same songs over and over again. One that I've heard thousands of times in my life and never gave much attention to, but hear quite regularly here has become my new anthem. 'Hold on Loosely" by 38 Special (now you get the title eh?).  
This song is fuckin' brilliant. "Just hold on loosely. But don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control".  Active. Detachment.

  *drops the mic

Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn,

then ALWAYS be a unicorn